The Time I Almost Went to Jail Part 1: The Subway Incident, or, How I'm Like the Detainees at Guantanamo Bay

Okay, here's the deal, I'm a master of illusion. Most people think I'm just this totally normal, n'er do well type person who has coasted through life on his coattails, and if I had coattails I'd tell you that's the perception I've been trained my whole life to give off. My family, in my hometown, is very much like the Kennedy's - respected, looked up too, idolized, even. We already had the fuck up (Ted) covered in the family by the time I was grown, so I just fell in line and acted the way I was supposed to in social situations, and I come off looking like John John. But here's the deal, I'm a little bit of a rebel at heart. I've done some things that I'm not particularly proud of and some of them have gotten the heat put on me. Looking back on these things I can say that they weren't the high points of my youth, but they were probably the funniest, when I remember them in hindsight. So, the following is my account of the first time I almost got arrested, (and just like any good Kennedy I stress the word ALMOST) unfortunately I do have to say the first time because the times have been numerous and I'll post about them all at a date to be determined. So, without further ado, I bring to you part one in my Almost Arrested Series: The Subway Incident, or, How I'm Like the Detainees at Guantanamo Bay.

Senior year of high school, spring semester, we were almost through. This was cause for a celebration. We tended to celebrate alot in those days and they all involved great amounts of underage drinking and sometimes driving afterward. It was a Friday, which meant that we would, of course, be celebrating that very evening. That evening's plans involved 200 or so beers, a few of the fellas, and a campout. It was going to be a blast, everything was planned, the beer, the beef and the location (sorry, I couldn't come up with a "B" there to complete the alliteration). That day, at lunch, five of us went to lunch at the local Subway.

The five in attendance were 1. Me (The Count), 2. The Buck, 3. The Hick, 4. The One-liner, 5. The Twin (names have been changed to protect the innocent, which we all were). So, we all decide to go eat at Subway on this day, The Buck took his motorcycle, the other three rode with me. The Buck got there about a minute or so before we did so we met up inside.

This eating establishment was on Main Street in our home town, so parking in the front was limited, we opted to park in the back of the restaraunt, where space was ample. When you park in the back of Subway, you have to walk down a hallway until you reach the main dining area, so we all walked into the main area, which is where we met The Buck.

We each ordered our respective sandwiches and proceeded to devour them with much fury, in between chewing our food we traded quips about the plans for that eve and our excitment built. Soon after we began eating a number of uniformed police officers enterred the establishment. This didn't concern us much, as we knew that the police station was just around the corner. We did, however, decide not to speak of the events that would unfold in 8 hours time, on the off chance that one of the purveyor's of the peace would overhear us. Shortly after the officers had started standing in the line to order their sandwhiches one of them approached us.

He walked directly up to me and said, "You need to come with me outside right now." My stomach dropped, as he turned around, I noticed a K-9 Unit band on his arm. Oh, great, I thought, somebody planted something in my vehicle and his canine partner has discovered me. As I followed him outside I prepared for the worst, my family name would be demolished and I would be a social outcast for the remainder of that academic term.

Once outside the conversation proceeded thusly: "You think it's funny vandalizing other people's property?" the officer asked.

"No," I replied.

"Then why is it that the manager tells me he's got you on tape breaking down ceiling tiles in the back hallway?" he inquired.

[Okay, story break here, it should be known if you, the reader, have never come into my acquaintance that I'm only 5'8" tall, breaking ceiling tiles for me is a job that requires much jumping and stretching.]

"Sir, I don't know what you're talking about, I didn't break any ceiling tiles in the back hallway."

"Well, maybe it wasn't you, but it was one of your buddies in there."

"Sir, we all rode together, none of us broke down any ceiling tiles."

"Is that a fact? Well, I don't believe you. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do right now. I'm gonna go in there and watch the tape and if I see you or any of your buddies breaking ceiling tiles down, we're all gonna take a walk around the corner and call your parents."

At this point in time I followed the officer back into the establishment. My mates asked me what had happened and I told them the tale of horror I had just been victim of. It was then that one of them rememberred, The Buck had driven himself. We asked The Buck if he had broken the tiles to which he replied that he most assuredly had not.

Time passed by and the hour at which we were supposed to return to school drew nearer, my friends began to worry that they would be late, if their parents received a phone call from the school informing them of their child's tardiness, they would not be allowed to attend the night's festivities. It was decided, then, that they would all receive different rides back to school from students who had also attended said eating establishment and I would stay behind, because it was I who was on trial during this situation.

We all stood to empty our trays in the trash receptical and as we did this, the other police officers stood as well.

"Where do you think you're going?" asked one brutish officer as he placed his hand on his gun.

"They were all going to get rides back to school from other people here, they're going to be late," I replied.

"Nobody's going anywhere until we get this mess straightened up," was the response I received.
We all returned to our table and sat in solemness for a bit before The Hick started to get perturbed.

"This is ridiculous," he said, "they can't just keep us here without proof that we did anything."

"That's what they're looking for," I claimed.

"Seriously, if I'm late, I'm gonna be pissed," he replied. It was then that he decided to ask in a very clear, very loud voice the entire restaraunt the question, "Hey, who else in here is being illegally held for something they didn't do?"

At this, we snickered, but the police officers frowned. This question did lighten the mood at the table a bit, however, and we began joking. "Hey, we're not planning on doing anything illegal for at least 7, 8 hours," the twin said, under his breath. We were all laughing at this statement when the K-9 officer returned to the table.

"Well, what we've got here is a case of mistaken identity," he explained. "I watched the tape and I saw you fellas and it wasn't you, it was the group of boys who came in before you. You can go ahead and claim responsibility for it though. We'll give you three hots and a cot over in county. You boys like beans?"

Then general concensous was that, no, we did not like beans, and no we didn't want to claim responsibility for the crime. We were allowed to go on our way and made it back to the school and into our classes just as the bell sounded.